I live in England. I am a musician and ex-music lecturer who also spent 8 years as a residential social worker. I have an MA in Social and Political Science from Cambridge University, and was invited to become a member of Worcester University's service user and carer group (IMPACT) in 2013 to share my experience of DV and post-separation abuse. I have experienced years of false allegations and institutionalised prejudice, and of being routinely belittled and dismissed by professionals, all of which have affected my own mental and emotional health (I am currently receiving EMDR therapy for PTSD).
This was the first song I wrote after two years of not being able to pick up a guitar because it made me too emotional. It describes my abusive relationship better in three minutes than I could in an hour of talking. My wife used to attack me randomly and I would just curl up in a ball on the floor and wait for her to burn herself out.
I love you—you know that I’d do anything for you
Hopelessly devoted, that’s me
How perfect you said it would be
But I didn’t know about the darkness in your head
How it would make you so vicious in bed
I never know when your demons will come
When you cut yourself I helped you to hang on..
Now I’m curled up in a ball—curled up tight
I know I can’t stop you and I know it’s not right
So I’ll just lie here and I’ll take what you give me
In ten minutes time you’ll be saying that you love me…
The first time you hit me I just sort of froze
The blood fell in slow motion from my head and my nose
I didn’t feel pain—it was more like silence
Everything stilled by your rage and your violence
But it was you who wanted me so so much
You who loved me so so much
You sucked me right in no one could have been surer
Together forever for richer for poorer
Now I’m curled up in a ball—curled up tight
I know I can’t stop you and I know it’s not right
So I’ll just lie here and I’ll and take it like a man
You know that I’ll help you as much as I can…
Sometimes you cry and say that you’ll change
I jump through your hoops but it’s always the same
There’s always another one just a bit higher
and I’m clinging on like a bird on a wire
And I’m curled up in a ball—curled up tight
I know I can’t stop you and I know it’s not right
So I’ll just lie here and I’ll take what you give me
In ten minutes time you’ll be saying that you love me…
© The Author(s) 2023. Published by Oxford University Press on behalf of The British Association of Social Workers.
This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (
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https://orcid.org/0000-0003-2578-7092
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